don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
