first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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