I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
