Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
