It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
