even my farts smell like vagina
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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