Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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