i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize