im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
