We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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