the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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