I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
