hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
