Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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