do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
