walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
