Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
