yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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