im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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