So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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