One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
