If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
