i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
