On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
