Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
