Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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