my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
