I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
