I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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