He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
