The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
