I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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