nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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