At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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