Plan B is the new Plan A
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
