why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
