from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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