She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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