Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
