Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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