Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
