I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
