This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
