i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
