Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
