foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize