As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
