Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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