I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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