It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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