I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
