God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize