6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
