I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
